She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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