I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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