Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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