She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
