He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
