just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
