nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
