I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
