Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
