She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
cat food counts as protein by the way
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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