how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We're too hungover to prance.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
