your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
