i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
nutella sex= disaster
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
