3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
