cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
