Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
