Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
