She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
