it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sext me about skeletons
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
