I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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