: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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