I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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