he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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