I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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