I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
