Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
