I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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