you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
