i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
