If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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