GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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