I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
