Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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