My nipple is on Facebook.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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