I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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