he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
