is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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