I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
PANTIES FOUND
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