I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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