This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
