How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
