How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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