If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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