Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
