Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
