I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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