there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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