hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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