Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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