this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
